normally when i`m still not over someone, and i know i still really like them,
i get this .. pain in my heart.
like .. it`s being squeezed or something.
and i know this is what normally happens cos it`s happened before .. duh !
but ... i don`t know.
with you it`s different.
i don`t get that pain.
i get an emptiness in my heart.
like ... hm. almost like i don`t feel anything.
but .. i still know i`m not over you, because i keep thinking of you, and thinking of the past.
thinking of our memories together, and what we could have had.
yet with the absence of that pain in my heart, i question myself.
am i truly not over you, or am i not over the past, and what we could have had ?
i really don`t know.
how do i figure that out ?
everyone is different when it comes to this.
i`m honestly not quite sure what it all means ...
i find myself wishing i had that pain, so i KNOW, for sure.
but ... since i don`t .. how can i really, truly know and figure it out ??? ...
it`s really complicating for me ...
i don`t want you out of my life, however much people tell me i should kick you out, and keep you out.
in such a case, an absence of feeling means i`m content.
and yet i know i`m not content, or else i wouldn`t still be posting about you, or thinking about you.
i think the absence truly means you`ve taken a part of my heart, however cheesy that is.
in kelly clarkson`s 'because of you', there`s a line that says :
my heart can`t possibly break, when it wasn`t even whole to start with
but how can you define "whole" ?
is mine whole now ?
perhaps not.
perhaps it hasn`t been whole since back then ...
if it hasn`t been whole since then, then why do i think it`s broken ?
why do i think you`ve broken my heart, yet again ?
perhaps it is because of the extremely short time we went out, both times.
perhaps it is because i trusted you with my heart, and you broke that trust.
perhaps it is because i know i loved you, and i thought you loved me too ....
but, what is love ?
some say it`s something you don`t truly understand until you`ve experienced it.
that`s what i think.
have i experienced it ?
i`d like to say i have. what an insult it would be to you if i said i haven`t.
how can i truly know .. ?
perhaps this will answer that question :
today i was at a friend`s place, and we were playing truth or dare, with drinks.
but of course, the game slowly dwindled ..
one of the truth questions we all ended up answering was :
would your marry your boyfriend ? [we were all girls]
seeing as none of us has one currently, we all related that to our ex`s.
and .. i related it to you.
i know in the past, i`ve always brushed aside 'marriage' and 'long term relationships'
but now ..
i think after having been with you twice ... the second time made me realise that i could see myself with you for a while.
not just a few days, weeks or months.
perhaps years.
i was short sighted before, not being able to see this.
but then again, the saying goes :
you don`t know what you had til it`s gone
and i think that`s very true in this case, with you.
i remember we had quite a big argument about you being taken for granted by numerous people.
and i know i admitted i probably did ..
but .. looking back .. i can safely say you took me for granted, and still are.
i`ve always been there for you, and i know i will never be able to forget you in my life time ..
which, in turn, means i`ll always be there for you.
but sometimes i get this feeling that if you keep pushing me too far, if you keep taking me for granted, if you keep thinking i`ll always be there for you even through the shit you put me through ..
you`re going to push me away, sooner or later.
with time i`m scared i`ll never talk to you again.
with time i`m scared you`ll step over the line one too many times and i won`t be able to take it anymore, and i`ll just leave.
with time ... i`m scared you`ll do something to me, say something to me .. that i`ll never be able to forgive, that i`ll never be able to forget.
i`m motherfucking scared of losing you, as a friend, as whatever.
and i know there`s nothing i can do to prevent myself from thinking these thoughts.
and there`s nothing i can do to prevent any of this from happening.
cos honestly .. the ball`s in your court now.
i don`t know how to get away, to finish the game.
because that`s all i am to you, right ?
a game.
a familiarity for close to 6 years.
i don`t know ...
however, back to the whole 'marriage' thing.
i was talking to another friend the other night, and somehow the conversation ended up with wondering who i`d marry.
or something along the lines of that.
we ended up making a bet, essentially just for fun.
she bet that i would marry you.
i took that bet, LOL ... sorry.
and this is someone who knows everything that`s happened recently with you.
so i was quite surprised she even made it in the first place ...
i then showed the bet to another friend ..
and even she said 'i don`t know who`d win'.
i`m .. well. i can`t say i`m shocked, but i`m scared.
i asked her what she meant .. and she said 'well, if you guys got back together again ...'
i`m scared.
there is some truth in those words, to be honest.
sigh ...
it is this time every night that`s hard to get through.
i try to find things to distract myself, but when it`s quiet at home, and i`m awake, or perhaps trying to sleep ..
i contemplate.
everything that`s happened, everything that i could have changed .. everything that i perhaps should not have done.
but, i can`t say i regret it.
it`s given me experiences.
it`s made me realise how stupid and naive i can be despite age.
and .. i think it`s made me aware that, despite what i say about wanting to have fun before settling with a steady boyfriend, despite what i said about not seeing myself long term and all ..
i realise ... i could have done that, with you.
i know you`ll never read this .. perhaps one day in the future, when we can look back at us and laugh .. perhaps i`ll tell you to read it
that is, if i haven`t forgotten about this blog page and post and all ...
and if, on the off chance you decided to click on the link on my facebook, or on my msn pm ... then .. hi. what else can i say ? lol ....
i`m scared that one day, when i`m in a happy relationship .. somehow all this is going to come back and haunt me.
i`m scared that .. that relationship will start to break down because of you .. because of this.
as i said .. i`ll never be able to forget you, and with that comes the inability to forget my feelings for you.
as you`ve said before ... 5 - 6 years is a VERY long time ...
i don`t know ....
i realise now, too late, that i would have gladly given up my partying ways, my smoking, my enthusiasm for drinking ... for you.
but i guess now i know what it is i have to change to perhaps find that special someone.
i`ve never been this cheesy before, nor ever been much of a 'hopeless romantic'.
you`ve changed a lot of things in me ...
and even though i`m not by your side in that way .. you still are.
lols.
i just can`t seem to get away from you ...
not that i want to.
much.
haha.
but, as i said in a previous post, i`d rather keep on a mask and be around you, than not.
i`d rather seem happy for you, than show you how i truly feel.
i wonder, would you hate me if you read this post ?
would you hate me for realising all this shit so late ?
would you hate me for .. not letting what may have been, occur ?
but then again, i truly did try for us when you asked me to, when you convinced me to.
it was you who threw it away .. again.
i still feel as if that part of my chest where my heart should be, is empty.
i`m getting the urge to do something, anything, just to reassure myself it`s still there.
as drastic as it sounds.
i guess you bring out the good and bad side of me ..
occassionally i look back to the texts we exchanged when we were together, and even the day or two before and after.
when i read the ones where i said you were my nub, and you said i was your nub, i get upset.
i get .. hollow .. numb ...
what happened to that ?
reading through the texts, i can pinpoint exactly where everything changed.
i can pinpoint where you decided you had to push me away ..
i can pinpoint where you DID begin to push me away ...
i get numb when i read the text where you said you don`t know why, but all that stuff i said about liking and kissing other guys really got to you and you felt shit ..
i get even more numb and hollow when i read what i replied ... there`s you and only you now. no other guy. there is no point in comparing, so don`t. and how i kept waking in the middle of the night cos i missed you.
you brought out my cheesiness ..
and i loved you for that.
because no one else has ever been able to do that to me .. to draw out what i thought i did not have, what i thought i did not feel.
i remember talking about how you wanted to join the army, and how if you did, you`d want a picture of us .. i just smiled at that.
now ? ... would you even want a picture of us anymore ?
i certainly regret never taking pictures with you ... at least i`d have something more to remember us by than my thoughts, my memories that may slowly dwindle ..
they say a picture`s worth a thousand words ...
i wish i had some with you ....
there`s been so many times, in the past and in the present, where you`ve claimed to know me very well.
in some aspects, i agree with that analysis.
but .. i don`t think you know me well enough to have realised all the above.
you don`t know me well enough to figure out that all the happiness i show you, the carefree nature whenever you talk about your ex`s or your girlfriend now, is just a mask.
when you talk about how whipped you are now, i try not to crumble.
because i stupidly thought you were whipped when we were together .. and i wasn`t the only one to think that.
but i guess not ...
mybad. i should not have assumed ...
and you don`t know how scared i get whenever you tell me about a situation where you could have died ... you did that to me 3 times i think, and each time .. i cringed inside.
i don`t know what i`d do if you die ...
the time you texted me and said you got into an accident .. you have no fucking idea how worried i got.
i immediately called you and you said you were fine .. i was only a tad calmer, not much.
i was bloody worried the whole night .. my friends can attest to that.
i called you again later that night because i had told you to call me when you were home, and you hadn`t yet called.
you tricked me, and said you had broken an arm .. and instead of being at the hospital, you were at maccas because you were hungry.
you have no idea, how fucking worried i was.
and when you told me i can`t believe you believed that .. i got so angry.
of course i would have believed that ! i had no reason not to .. i fucking trusted you.
go ahead, just play around with me, mess around why don`t you ..
ohwait. you`ve done that already.
and then .. that night you told me how angry you were that you crashed your car.
i remember saying at least nothing happened to you ...
what did you say ? yeah, but my car ! etcetcetc.
great ...
you know, i`m scared to drink dial you, because i don`t know what i`d say.
i`m scared of what i`d reveal on the phone ...
seeing as drunk talk is the truth.
and it doesn`t help i`ve memorised your number, so can`t really say, oh i`ll just delete it and it`ll be fine.
hmm ...
then again, most of the things are revealed here already, lols.
ahwells ..
sigh.
you showed me what it`s like to have someone there that i could talk to, that i could just lie on a couch or bed with and be content.
you showed me what it`s like to be able to hold hands with someone in public, to kiss them, to hug them, to just .. be with ...
you showed me what it`s like to be with someone i love.
you showed me these, and many more things ...
i guess all i can really do is say thank you.
never realised how much things could change in the time span of a week .. of a month ..
sometimes i hope you do read this.
because i`m never this open with anyone, haha.
which is surprising, since this is the internet ..
but ahwell ...
the one place i can vent and put my words to ... screen ? lol.
but ... you get the drift.
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