eightytwo ; t h r e e g u y s

every girl has three guys in her life.

the one she loves.

the one she hates.

and the one she can`t live without.

and in the end ?

they`re all the same guy.

eightyone ; c a r . . .

hrm.

wonder if my dad would buy me a honda civic type r .. ?

i wouldn`t mind driving that around =D.

since i bet he`d never buy me an integra type r or anything ..

but if he did ?!

ooft.

idk which one i`d choose.

integra ? =D.

hahaha !

hmm ...

>=].

guess i shall see, some day in the very very VERY near future .. >=].

and then i shall have to save up money

to buy subs and other stuff to modify the car.

hrmmmm ..

TT.

eighty ; s o r r y . . .

Dear Tummy,

Sorry for all the butterflies.

Dear Pillow,

Sorry for all the tears.

Dear Lungs & Liver,

Sorry for all the damage.

Dear Heart,

Sorry for all the broken pieces.

Dear Brain,

Sorry for all the over thinking and sleepless nights ..

But in the end,

You were right ...

seventynine ; l e g a l & b i o

PROCRASTINATION WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT !

hm. ohyeh.

was meant to study legal yday .. at state.

ended up doing that !

for 30 mins o.o

and then proceeded to go

karaoke

for FOUR hours =D.

LALALA.

so fucking fun ahahaha. =].

hm. i should study but cbf =____=' .....

wheeeee ...

maccas for dinner (H).

and bio`s on friday .. hm ..

studystudy tues - thurs TT.

AND THEN IT WILL BE ALL OVER, FUCK YEAH ! =D.

oh .. i bought another deck the other day.

so much for me quitting, ey ?

but i will after this !

so broke ..

idk how to get money for early nov =S.

aiiyah ..

must get job after hsc ! ...

=S.

idk where though .. anyone got ideas ? haha.

seventyeight ; a n s w e r s !

i think i`ve finally figured it out.

maybe this empty feeling and no pain, means that ...

i love you ..

but !

i`m not IN love with you.

does that make sense ?

i think so.

that might be why, haha.

hm .... =/

XD.

and maybe .. all those years and times you said you loved me ..

maybe that`s all it was.

you loved me, but you weren`t IN love with me ...

hmmmmm ....

ahaha.

i sorta feel lighter now that i`ve most likely figured it out.

fuck my life if this isn`t the answer, omg =_='.

O_O".

seventynine ; m x h o r o s c o p e

read my horoscope in the mx today, and i found it interesting ...

so i thought i`d type it out here, and see if i can analyse it !

HAHAHA.

jokes. fuck analysing, english was over AGES ago, and i cbf wasting my time thinking too much into a horoscope, of all things =_='.

Friday October 29, 2010

Taurus

April 21 - May 21

With Venus reversing through your relationship zone, it`s not a good time to make firm committments regarding romantic ? or business - partnerships. Wait until after November 19.

i`m excited for nov 19+ now HAHAHA.

i was gonna see if i could get into a club that night too, via guestlist o.o

who knowwws ..

although, if it refers to my contemplations of the past few days ...

O_O". hahaha.

seventyeight ; r a n d o m q u o t e s

i may tell myself i can forget about you,

i may look and act strong,

i may fool you and everyone else ..

but i will never fool myself.

i wish i could forget about you,

i wish i could really feel strong,

and i wish i could fool myself ..

boys should come with a warning label :

caution :

i will flirt with you.

text 24/7.

lead you on.

tell you i love you ..

then i`ll totally ignore you.

flirt with a whore.

break your heart ...

and never talk to you again.

i might hug other guys,

i might laugh with other guys,

i might even hang out with other guys ...

but none of them will ever mean as much as you do ..

seventyseven ; t h e n o r m

okay so ..

normally when i`m still not over someone, and i know i still really like them,

i get this .. pain in my heart.

like .. it`s being squeezed or something.

and i know this is what normally happens cos it`s happened before .. duh !

but ... i don`t know.

with you it`s different.

i don`t get that pain.

i get an emptiness in my heart.

like ... hm. almost like i don`t feel anything.

but .. i still know i`m not over you, because i keep thinking of you, and thinking of the past.

thinking of our memories together, and what we could have had.

yet with the absence of that pain in my heart, i question myself.

am i truly not over you, or am i not over the past, and what we could have had ?

i really don`t know.

how do i figure that out ?

everyone is different when it comes to this.

i`m honestly not quite sure what it all means ...

i find myself wishing i had that pain, so i KNOW, for sure.

but ... since i don`t .. how can i really, truly know and figure it out ??? ...

it`s really complicating for me ...

i don`t want you out of my life, however much people tell me i should kick you out, and keep you out.

in such a case, an absence of feeling means i`m content.

and yet i know i`m not content, or else i wouldn`t still be posting about you, or thinking about you.

i think the absence truly means you`ve taken a part of my heart, however cheesy that is.

in kelly clarkson`s 'because of you', there`s a line that says :

my heart can`t possibly break, when it wasn`t even whole to start with

but how can you define "whole" ?

is mine whole now ?

perhaps not.

perhaps it hasn`t been whole since back then ...

if it hasn`t been whole since then, then why do i think it`s broken ?

why do i think you`ve broken my heart, yet again ?

perhaps it is because of the extremely short time we went out, both times.

perhaps it is because i trusted you with my heart, and you broke that trust.

perhaps it is because i know i loved you, and i thought you loved me too ....

but, what is love ?

some say it`s something you don`t truly understand until you`ve experienced it.

that`s what i think.

have i experienced it ?

i`d like to say i have. what an insult it would be to you if i said i haven`t.

how can i truly know .. ?

perhaps this will answer that question :

today i was at a friend`s place, and we were playing truth or dare, with drinks.

but of course, the game slowly dwindled ..

one of the truth questions we all ended up answering was :

would your marry your boyfriend ? [we were all girls]

seeing as none of us has one currently, we all related that to our ex`s.

and .. i related it to you.

i know in the past, i`ve always brushed aside 'marriage' and 'long term relationships'

but now ..

i think after having been with you twice ... the second time made me realise that i could see myself with you for a while.

not just a few days, weeks or months.

perhaps years.

i was short sighted before, not being able to see this.

but then again, the saying goes :

you don`t know what you had til it`s gone

and i think that`s very true in this case, with you.

i remember we had quite a big argument about you being taken for granted by numerous people.

and i know i admitted i probably did ..

but .. looking back .. i can safely say you took me for granted, and still are.

i`ve always been there for you, and i know i will never be able to forget you in my life time ..

which, in turn, means i`ll always be there for you.

but sometimes i get this feeling that if you keep pushing me too far, if you keep taking me for granted, if you keep thinking i`ll always be there for you even through the shit you put me through ..

you`re going to push me away, sooner or later.

with time i`m scared i`ll never talk to you again.

with time i`m scared you`ll step over the line one too many times and i won`t be able to take it anymore, and i`ll just leave.

with time ... i`m scared you`ll do something to me, say something to me .. that i`ll never be able to forgive, that i`ll never be able to forget.

i`m motherfucking scared of losing you, as a friend, as whatever.

and i know there`s nothing i can do to prevent myself from thinking these thoughts.

and there`s nothing i can do to prevent any of this from happening.

cos honestly .. the ball`s in your court now.

i don`t know how to get away, to finish the game.

because that`s all i am to you, right ?

a game.

a familiarity for close to 6 years.

i don`t know ...

however, back to the whole 'marriage' thing.

i was talking to another friend the other night, and somehow the conversation ended up with wondering who i`d marry.

or something along the lines of that.

we ended up making a bet, essentially just for fun.

she bet that i would marry you.

i took that bet, LOL ... sorry.

and this is someone who knows everything that`s happened recently with you.

so i was quite surprised she even made it in the first place ...

i then showed the bet to another friend ..

and even she said 'i don`t know who`d win'.

i`m .. well. i can`t say i`m shocked, but i`m scared.

i asked her what she meant .. and she said 'well, if you guys got back together again ...'

i`m scared.

there is some truth in those words, to be honest.

sigh ...

it is this time every night that`s hard to get through.

i try to find things to distract myself, but when it`s quiet at home, and i`m awake, or perhaps trying to sleep ..

i contemplate.

everything that`s happened, everything that i could have changed .. everything that i perhaps should not have done.

but, i can`t say i regret it.

it`s given me experiences.

it`s made me realise how stupid and naive i can be despite age.

and .. i think it`s made me aware that, despite what i say about wanting to have fun before settling with a steady boyfriend, despite what i said about not seeing myself long term and all ..

i realise ... i could have done that, with you.

i know you`ll never read this .. perhaps one day in the future, when we can look back at us and laugh .. perhaps i`ll tell you to read it

that is, if i haven`t forgotten about this blog page and post and all ...

and if, on the off chance you decided to click on the link on my facebook, or on my msn pm ... then .. hi. what else can i say ? lol ....

i`m scared that one day, when i`m in a happy relationship .. somehow all this is going to come back and haunt me.

i`m scared that .. that relationship will start to break down because of you .. because of this.

as i said .. i`ll never be able to forget you, and with that comes the inability to forget my feelings for you.

as you`ve said before ... 5 - 6 years is a VERY long time ...

i don`t know ....

i realise now, too late, that i would have gladly given up my partying ways, my smoking, my enthusiasm for drinking ... for you.

but i guess now i know what it is i have to change to perhaps find that special someone.

i`ve never been this cheesy before, nor ever been much of a 'hopeless romantic'.

you`ve changed a lot of things in me ...

and even though i`m not by your side in that way .. you still are.

lols.

i just can`t seem to get away from you ...

not that i want to.

much.

haha.

but, as i said in a previous post, i`d rather keep on a mask and be around you, than not.

i`d rather seem happy for you, than show you how i truly feel.

i wonder, would you hate me if you read this post ?

would you hate me for realising all this shit so late ?

would you hate me for .. not letting what may have been, occur ?

but then again, i truly did try for us when you asked me to, when you convinced me to.

it was you who threw it away .. again.

i still feel as if that part of my chest where my heart should be, is empty.

i`m getting the urge to do something, anything, just to reassure myself it`s still there.

as drastic as it sounds.

i guess you bring out the good and bad side of me ..

occassionally i look back to the texts we exchanged when we were together, and even the day or two before and after.

when i read the ones where i said you were my nub, and you said i was your nub, i get upset.

i get .. hollow .. numb ...

what happened to that ?

reading through the texts, i can pinpoint exactly where everything changed.

i can pinpoint where you decided you had to push me away ..

i can pinpoint where you DID begin to push me away ...

i get numb when i read the text where you said you don`t know why, but all that stuff i said about liking and kissing other guys really got to you and you felt shit ..

i get even more numb and hollow when i read what i replied ... there`s you and only you now. no other guy. there is no point in comparing, so don`t. and how i kept waking in the middle of the night cos i missed you.

you brought out my cheesiness ..

and i loved you for that.

because no one else has ever been able to do that to me .. to draw out what i thought i did not have, what i thought i did not feel.

i remember talking about how you wanted to join the army, and how if you did, you`d want a picture of us .. i just smiled at that.

now ? ... would you even want a picture of us anymore ?

i certainly regret never taking pictures with you ... at least i`d have something more to remember us by than my thoughts, my memories that may slowly dwindle ..

they say a picture`s worth a thousand words ...

i wish i had some with you ....

there`s been so many times, in the past and in the present, where you`ve claimed to know me very well.

in some aspects, i agree with that analysis.

but .. i don`t think you know me well enough to have realised all the above.

you don`t know me well enough to figure out that all the happiness i show you, the carefree nature whenever you talk about your ex`s or your girlfriend now, is just a mask.

when you talk about how whipped you are now, i try not to crumble.

because i stupidly thought you were whipped when we were together .. and i wasn`t the only one to think that.

but i guess not ...

mybad. i should not have assumed ...

and you don`t know how scared i get whenever you tell me about a situation where you could have died ... you did that to me 3 times i think, and each time .. i cringed inside.

i don`t know what i`d do if you die ...

the time you texted me and said you got into an accident .. you have no fucking idea how worried i got.

i immediately called you and you said you were fine .. i was only a tad calmer, not much.

i was bloody worried the whole night .. my friends can attest to that.

i called you again later that night because i had told you to call me when you were home, and you hadn`t yet called.

you tricked me, and said you had broken an arm .. and instead of being at the hospital, you were at maccas because you were hungry.

you have no idea, how fucking worried i was.

and when you told me i can`t believe you believed that .. i got so angry.

of course i would have believed that ! i had no reason not to .. i fucking trusted you.

go ahead, just play around with me, mess around why don`t you ..

ohwait. you`ve done that already.

and then .. that night you told me how angry you were that you crashed your car.

i remember saying at least nothing happened to you ...

what did you say ? yeah, but my car ! etcetcetc.

great ...

you know, i`m scared to drink dial you, because i don`t know what i`d say.

i`m scared of what i`d reveal on the phone ...

seeing as drunk talk is the truth.

and it doesn`t help i`ve memorised your number, so can`t really say, oh i`ll just delete it and it`ll be fine.

hmm ...

then again, most of the things are revealed here already, lols.

ahwells ..

sigh.

you showed me what it`s like to have someone there that i could talk to, that i could just lie on a couch or bed with and be content.

you showed me what it`s like to be able to hold hands with someone in public, to kiss them, to hug them, to just .. be with ...

you showed me what it`s like to be with someone i love.

you showed me these, and many more things ...

i guess all i can really do is say thank you.

never realised how much things could change in the time span of a week .. of a month ..

sometimes i hope you do read this.

because i`m never this open with anyone, haha.

which is surprising, since this is the internet ..

but ahwell ...

the one place i can vent and put my words to ... screen ? lol.

but ... you get the drift.

seventysix ; y e s t e r d a y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Scm4oAYYbIg

Yesterday - Leona Lewis

I just can't believe you're gone

Still waitin' for mornin' to come

When I see if the sun will rise

In the way that you're by my side

When we had so much in store

Tell me what is it I'm reaching for

When we're through building memories

I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made

They can take the music that we'll never play

All the broken dreams, take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

They can take the future that we'll never know

They can take the places that we said we will go

All the broken dreams take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

You always choose to stay

I should be thankful for everyday

Heaven knows what the future holds

Or least where the story goes

But I never believed until now

I know I'll see you again, I'm sure

No, it's not selfish to ask for more

One more night, one more day

One more smile on your face

But they can't take yesterday

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made

They can take the music that we'll never play

All the broken dreams, take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

They can take the future that we'll never know

They can take the places that we said we will go

All the broken dreams take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

I thought our days would last forever

But it wasn't our destiny

'Cause in my mind we had so much time

But I was so wrong

No, I can, believe me

I can still find the strength in the moments we made

I'm lookin' back on yesterday

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made

They can take the music that we'll never play

All the broken dreams, take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

They can take the future that we'll never know

They can take the places that we said we will go

All the broken dreams take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

All the broken dreams take everything

But they can never have yesterday

seventyfive ; m a s k s

& i'll let you think i don't care, when in reality i do.

i'll let you believe i'm fine with everything, when instead

i just want to sit in a corner, hug something and cry.

because i'd rather put up a mask and be around you

than show what i really feel, away from you.

seventyfour ; f u c k k k k k k k k ...

just realised i busted $500 in less than 2 months.

i`m fucked.

=S.

i need a job T_T.

and i`m also quitting durries.

it`s for the best, haha.

hope i`ll have enough for post hsc in early november ....

---

i miss you o.o

haha.

maybe it wasn`t a good idea to meet up with you today ...

yesterday, whatever.

ahwells ... my fault.

seventythree ; k a r a o k e & m o r e

so today i went to stra karaoke with silas =D

and yes i actually sang HAHA.

was pretty fun =D

then we bummed at pumpkin til about 4ish .. when he left and i met someone else

... and then guess what ?

we went karaoke ... AGAIN.

okay, i think i`m done with my karaoke cravings .. HAHAHA.

twice in one day, omg ... =S

---

& more ;

found out why he never texted me back ..

my texts didn`t even get sent through cos my credit expired T_T.

GG.

sighsighsigh.

ohwell. at least i know i lasted hm ..

a week before i actually officially texted/called =DDDD.

muahahahaha >=]

i am awesome (H).

was fun hanging with you again ...

i guess.

AND LOL YOU DRIVING A RAV 4. FUCK THAT`S FUNNYSHIT.

can`t imagine you in it HAAHAHAHAHAH.

after your sports car and all ..

LMAO.

whipped ass =D.

altho .. i was thinking, when you were telling me how serious it was between you two ..

what about .. that shit you told me about .. well .. you know who ..

was that just lies, or what ?

ah.

whatever. haha. =].

and well, you finally heard me sing properly at karaoke.

i`m shit, btw to whoever`s reading this. HAHAHA.

=].

seventytwo ; l a l a l a l a l a

soooo .. i ended up sleeping at 7am this morning [or yday morning, whatever ! ] and waking at 2pm.

which explains why i`m still up at this time [even tho it`s only 127am and still early for me !]

i`m bloody bored shitless tbh =="".

nothing to do sigh.

itunes has been on for a few hours now, and yehhh ..

other than that, nothing new has happened =____=''''

OH ACTUALLY ..

got a text from him around 415pm ..

i decided to wait 30 mins before i texted back =D

and i still haven`t gotten a reply, but i`m not surprised by that.

altho

why the fuck did you text in the first place if you weren`t going to text back ?

kudos to you, you lasted 5 days before caving in. LMAO.

i`m proud of myself tho =D. hehehe.

other than that, nothing has happeneeddd ..

i`ve spent almost all day in bed cos .. well, advantages of a laptop =D.

now i`m just waiting for my dad to sleep so i can have a durreh =__=".

ahhhh ...

ohyeh ! i also need to tell him i need to go formal shoppin HAHA.

he doesn`t need to know i have a dress and shoes and bag already .. ;).

moneymoney. i`m so broke )=

10 dowlah in acc only !!! ... T_T.

so hopefully he`ll put his usual amount in for me ^^.

i know i`ll need it for nov, fuckkkk ...

altho, i might look around for another dress, since i`m going to 2 formals .. hmmm ...

=/. and if i cbf, i`ll save the money for my hotel & afters & other events, and just wear the same dress to both =D.

i only know 1 person at the other formal anyway, so mehh. ^^.

hehe got formal tickets !

ohfuck, it`s got your name on it .. you dick .. FEEL GUILTY BITCH.

=D.

doesn`t matter, i got someone else to come, so all good.

i might just give you the ticket just so you can keep evidence of you being a dog ..

or maybe i`ll keep it and guilt you forevermore ! =D.

seventyone ; a n c i e n t & m o r e

ooooooft. so ancient exam was today

or yesterday since it`s 1am now.

and it was better than expected.

but then again, that`s what i`m saying for everything, and i have a feeling i didn`t do too well in the ones before ..

ohwell. it`s all over and done with, can`t do anything about it now.

so now i have :

legal - 1st nov

bio - 5th nov

left. i get a week break ^^

cousin was going to help me with legal tomorrow, but i said i needed to catch up on sleep @_@.

so damn tired !

speaking of which, i slept this arvo .. forgot what time, about er. 715ish maybe ? and just woke up ..

crap, just realised how many hours i slept O_O'.

this is how tired and sleep deprived i am HAHA.

---

& more ;

hm. not much to say tbh Oo. idk.

OH.

i went karaoke with a friend after exam today at stra

was pretty fun =D.

DAMN PRO SINGER ! OMGGG )=.

all koreans can sing, i bloody swearrrrrrrr T^T. not fair. hahaha.

and LOL once i got home, i put itunes on and couldn`t stop singing

until i was tired and "napped" .... ^^""

can`t wait to go karaoke again

8D.